Coming out of the cloud

Feeling more myself today than I did yesterday. I cried a lot at home yesterday because waves of emotion kept hitting me hard, but this morning I feel all cried out.No tears--for now anyway. It's a good thing because I need to go back to Mom's to help her today. I think it's her bath day. Thanks for your prayers, and for you reassurance that I'm not crazy!

Yesterday, when I was at home trying to do laundry and housework at my house, all this emotion just kept hitting me like a hurricane. Tears kept coming back. Today, at Mom's house, I will be calm and cheerful inwardly and outwardly. That is normally how I feel at Mom's house when I am helping her in some way--cheerful and peaceful.

I don't understand why I feel such calm and peace when I am with Mom, like God is sustaining me through it all, then when I get home I have the meltdowns. Maybe that is when the reality of separation really becomes real to me. When I am taking care of her, I hear her oxygen machine running and I hear her calling. I can just walk in and check on her. When I get home, I realize that someday I will not be able to just drive the short distance to see her. At home, whie doing mindless tasks, my mind reflects on her deteriorating condition, and her coming death seems more real when I am away from Mom at my house. I don't know why it happens that way for me, but emotions are placid at Mom's 99% of the time. When I go back home to sleep in my own bed and do my own housework instead of hers, that's when the grief strikes.

Thanks for the emails, and for your patience as I got this blog problem fixed.

"Be still and know that He is God," is the Steven C. Chapman song on my mind today.

Lord, help me to be still and know that you are God, even when I do have times of tears! Help me to remember that You hold us when we cry.Life is painful, and there is no escaping grief.Help me to run to You like a child and trust you. I will praise you in this storm because You are worthy of it! You are the source of our hope! You are the living water that quenches my thirst and the bread of life that satisfies my hungry heart! You will carry me when the separation of death does come. You will still be here, just like you have always been,listening to me and counseling me with your Word when I can't talk to Mom anymore. You are my friend above all others! I love you!