The Comforter will Come

Mom's energy level today was the lowest that I have ever seen it. Her legs felt like lead pipes when she was at the Oncology center today. She needed me to help her to go to the restroom, and the first time we just walked slowly as I helped her steady herself. However, by our third trip to the restroom that was very close to her recliner, it took a wheelchair and the help of a nurse to return her to the chair. She could not get up from a seated position unless I helped her, and then it was like her feet nailed down to the floor.

Today she cried when my sister took her to get the transfusion because she felt so exhausted. It took three tries to get the IV in her arm, and it hurt her so much because her skin bruises easily anyway. Even during the transfusion, she groaned quietly sometimes and her face would freeze a grimace. It was not the IV that made her uncomfortable. Mom felt obvious discomfort, and the nurse told me to give her the pain medication that the hospice had prescribed. The nurse, Gail, said that Mom has gained 20 pounds in the past two weeks,and it is the source of her misery today. That fluid is being retained in her body from her waist down, making her very puffy where just last week she was bony. The fluid is putting pressure on her internal organs and causing the discomfort, the nurse said. The nurse also explained that Mom's cancer is throwing off her enzymes and that makes her food and drinks all taste different than normal. Mom is having malnutrition not only because she lacks a normal appetite, but also because her body is not handling the nutrients properly when she does receive them.

Mom started talking about her own death while she was speaking to Gail, her nurse. Mom talked to her about her own funeral, and how she was ready to go. Then when I was driving Mom back home from the Oncology Center to her house, she started talking to me about her death. She said to me in a matter-of-fact tone, "I don't know if I will make it through the summer, Cyndi." She talked about how she would not want to go on and on like this, getting weaker and weaker. If that was how it would be, then she would rather go home (heaven).She said, "I've lived a good life," and she proceeded to tell me the blessings of seeing all her grandchildren and children come to know the Lord. She talked about her estate and some more funeral/burial details. As I drove, I remained perfectly calm inside and out, though I felt sad.

After we were seated at her oak table in her kitchen, she said, "Cyndi, I didn't think I would be able to take it when my mother died either. But the comforter came for me. He will help you too." Then I did break down and weep in front of her. I told her that I had not wanted her to see me crying because I did not want her to feel bad about leaving me. I told her that I did not want her to die. She said again that the Lord would help me.

I told her that know that I will be all right, too. I told her that the Lord has spoken to my heart and helped me prepare for this. Even before we knew she had cancer, He started to prepare me for this through the sermons at church and verses that I had read in the Bible. I read to her a verse that had spoken to me recently. In John 14:28 Jesus said, "If you loved me, you would rejoice because I said, 'I am going to the Father..'" She agreed with the verse. I read the part of John 14 where Jesus says that the comforter will come to us, and I also told her about the verses that Brian Scramlin read in a sermon the Sunday prior to her diagnosis at the oncologist's office. Brian had read in Ecclesiastes that "there is a time to be born, and a time to die...a time for every purpose under Heaven." He had also read John 14:18 in which Jesus says, "I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you." I told Mom that when Brian read those verses, I knew that the Lord was speaking to me in my heart about her. I told her that the Lord wanted me to know that even though I would not have parents or grandparents anymore, He would not leave me. We also talked about the verses in the Bible where Paul says that he wanted to stay, but he also wanted to go to Heaven. That is where Mom is now. She is starting to want freedom from her weak body.

At Mom's table, I told her that God has also been speaking to my heart about the needs of other senior ladies who do not have daughters, and some who have no children. I told her that I have been thinking about how other ladies her age have no one who really watches out for them or cares about them like a daughter would do, and they also need to know that Jesus cares about them too.While Mom has three daughters who have been caring for her, others have no one, and that bothers me. Mom and I mentioned some names of people who came to mind. She told me very calmly that she would want me "to go make others happy"(after she is gone). I told her that I will try, but that no one can ever take her place. No one. She's my mom.

The discussion today was painful, but it did bring peace to finally talk to her about her death instead of trying to avoid the subject. Today's challenges at the Oncology center made Mom realize that she is going to die, and that is very painful for me. As she told the nurse at the center, "I'm ready to go."

I know she will not leave us a day sooner than the number of days He has written for her before she was born, according to Psalm 139. I also know that when that day comes, I will cry very, very hard, but after the tears, and maybe even while I cry them, what she has told me today will come to pass. The comforter will come.